Callan's Kicks

00:17 Alright boss, the constructive and meaningful engagement has now begun. Ah, nothing makes the voter tune out quite like you talking about industrial relations in that garden and district court delivery of yours, Minister Jack Shomer. Thanks. Keep it up. But could we not have prevented the strike by agreeing to the thing that we're agreeing to now? You know, starting the talks with pay. The unions were blaggarding. They know right well we had to wait for conditions to be just right before we could start the talks. Such as? We had to wait to get Simon Harris out of our way for a few weeks so we could pause the panicky showboating and get down to the bulshy business with unions. 00:48 It's true. This level of action and decision making is way out of his comfort zone. 00:52 A haiku is out of the comfort zone of a man who only wants to be briefed with bullet points on a single page. He has the attention span of a wasp on a bottle of squash. 01:00 We are now hitting a more conciliatory tone by saying that we'll start the talks with pay. 01:05 I said all along it was a priority, didn't I, didn't I? Yeah, but the unions were livid. That didn't mean starting with it. Anna, that's all canology. The talks will start with, well, how are you, bye? Any county final for you this weekend? Do you want green tea or rosehip? Your fly's open. What did you do for the day of striking, do you mind me asking? Netflix, was it? And so on and so forth. 01:21 Right, well, look, I'll do my best to prevent a further strike next week. 01:25 Jack, lad, it is vital now that strike does not go ahead now. 01:28 Yes, right. Because of all the cancelled operations that happened. No, no, no. 01:31 The NBC thing in Kerry. What? The Yanks are here. Even one of the Bush twins. We can't be making egots of ourselves when there's Americans. Americans, Jack. But it's a telly show. What's that got to do with... Vital tourism money has been squandered on showcasing the dampest part of Ireland during the dampest part of the year in terms of to Yanks at seven in the morning, at home, eating waffles and juice that makes their teeth fall out. Wait, what's wrong with fruit juice? Very high in sugar. The heroin of sugar. And with any luck, those waffle mashers will be clogging their arteries in Ireland next. 01:58 year Right So long as they don't go having their cardiacs in Kerry it is a big win for our yank fleecing industry in terms of Well all I know is that we have to stop another shutdown of colleges and schools Totally agree To prevent a repeat of the crazy things the pubs and clubs put on like What? Strike nights on Tuesday night do you hear about this? No what are you talking about? Yeah Huh? Teens and students hopped up on buzz balls. They went out on Tuesday night because clubs opened up for the special strike events. Pubs? With no college or school the next day. 02:26 I was appalled as well. Well, maybe we could have one more day of strikes after all. What are you? Just to one mind, think of the excise duty on buzz balls and slippery nipples. The country needs the taxes. Buzz balls are full of sugar, boss. Add a shirt is no more harm than a baby sham in a dance hall. Leave them at it. The vintners are a top priority for this government. Top priority. Top priority. 02:46 You say that about everything. The strikes, the housing crisis. 02:49 No, no. That's an emergency. It's an Irish tradition to have massive queues for emergencies. Nobody expects it to be dealt with. Right. No, no. Emergencies rank below priorities and even further down the list from imperatives and jobs of work. OK. But it is one step higher than a matter to be urgently dealt with, to be fair. 03:04 Right. Well, at least there'll be no more shocks like the 20 million euro RTE fiasco from last week. 03:09 I'm still not right after it. A 20 million cut out of nowhere? Mad. Well, no, that left me speechless. Like Catherine Connolly's been since she was elected. 03:17 Sick born, boss. I think the monk has a higher profile than the president and he's the one named after a silent order. What a shambles of a country. Anna, do I not suffer and do I not love every bit of it? 03:33 Okay, everyone, let's start the meeting. Everyone, please. 03:40 CUNIS, you lot. 03:43 I'll take it from here, Helen. You don't quite have the presence. Oh, it's just that I'm the deputy. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Understanding orders, Jennifer, when the party leader is absent. That'll be all. 03:54 You should go back to treating Garda whistleblowers awfully or whatever it is you do most days. 03:59 As the voted deputy leader of this party. 04:01 As the most delectable at any party. And the one least damaged by the many disastrous exploding portfolios in Fine Gael. 04:08 I think I'll take the meeting. Well, I'm the Minister for Foreign Affairs in an EU presidency. 04:14 Oh please, they don't even know who you are as far as Betty's town, never mind Paris and London. And I only mention those cities because they are the most referenced places on the brands in my walk-in wardrobe. Miss, Miss, Miss over here. Yes, you with the bird's nest for a head. 04:29 Tee her bark, Miss, Minister for Day has sent her. 04:31 Oh, they're less popular than my hospital waiting list, which hit one million the other day. Go me! 04:37 And it was my idea to make it sound like a fun lotto rollover draw. A million patients dying to see a doctor. Success! The thing is there's a few lads that's law her like Simon Harris the Thaunishta. Yes Peter that's why I'm in charge. But please. What? You may call me Madame Thaunishta. No I. Or Queen T. Why would I? 04:54 Or just the Coe Shishoch. 04:57 Why is it you and me here breaking me arse for Dehe Centres? 05:00 Well I'm the obvious choice. I've got that Anne Hathaway type appeal in that nobody liked me before and now they do. What? Because all the other stars have faded and or left in disgrace. 05:08 Miss, miss I always liked Anne Hathaway even during her cloyingly disingenuous era. 05:13 Oh, I know you with the tiny eye holes, Neil... Richmond, ma'am. Such a perfect Fine Gael name. Bougie, but with an annoying alternative spelling too. 05:22 In total, we're down two members of Cabinet this week. 05:25 Two? Gosh, we lost all that talent years ago. 05:28 Now even the scrapings of the barrel have fallen apart. Wait, this means I might finally make Cabinet. 05:34 Neil, dude, even Emer Higgins is ahead of you on that most desperate list. What even remains of this party's ministers... Who are you? You there from the Goonies? 05:42 Jerry Bottomard at your service, ma'am. 05:44 Ready to serve. 05:45 You're a minister with a name like... I am, for sure. Christ, we really are in bits. What? Is this all that's left of Fine Gael's cabinet? It is. Me, Hildegard Nothing, Helen McEmpty, Martin Hayshed and this tech bro tryhard accountant from Mullingar. 06:01 The thing about data centres is the mission critical jobs they do create and construction of the vital parameters. Oh, please. 06:06 Peter, why do you always sound like you're man-spreading on a pig-headed podcast? Thank you. This literally cannot get any worse. 06:13 How are you, lads? Phil! Long time no heave. Class. Who can sign and stamp a form for me? 06:18 I spoke too soon, Big Phil. I thought you left your career face down in a gravy boat at a golf dinner during Covid. 06:24 I have no comment on that other than to say I am brilliant and did nothing wrong. Have you signed the form? I'm running for one of them handy UN jobs. Food security or something. What? I'm well used to standing guard at a buffet. Man. Here, can you make this happen? 06:36 Just give it here. I've no table but perhaps I can use someone's back instead to lean on. Helen, come over here and assume the position. 06:42 Why do I have to? 06:44 Stay stale, stay still. Ow! Sorry, my fountain pen is rather sharp. Don't worry about the stain on your jacket. I'm sure Carolyn Donnelly is no shortage and I imagine that design is half price already. 06:56 Great, that's settled. I want a literal train full of carvery grade gravy to stop at me house. 07:01 Right. Good luck. Super. Meeting adjourned. This Madame Tornister is off to measure a brass plate from the Taoiseach's office to see if it will fit a double-barrelled name. 07:15 Thank you. Good afternoon. Good afternoon to the press, or at least the press outlets that I approve of. 07:21 Breitbart, good to have you with us. 07:22 Fox, where's my fox? Over here, sir. Rush it today. You're welcome. Lady Maga and Tyrant's Digest, you guys are doing great work. Fantastic. 07:32 Congratulations on your awesome diesel agreement with Russia. 07:35 But limp flake world leaders see as a betrayal of Ukraine. Frankly, it's got nothing to do with Ukraine. It's a beautiful thing. Myself and Vlad, we're besties. Zelensky wants a piece of that, but he can't have it, which is why I think he should be replaced. 07:49 Replaced, you see? 07:50 Putin and I agree on everything. That's good. It's a really good thing. 07:54 Sir, aren't the Russians the bad guys? I can't keep up because I'm on so much protein. My swollen temple veins are blurring my vision to see what's going on. 08:01 That's a tremendous question. Look, they were the bad guys. But since we now rely on them for diesel, I've turned them into the good guys. And so if they beat Ukraine, then I'll have finally won a war. It's genius, really. Can I ask a question? Sir, can You. Not you. You. You go ahead. Sir, what time is a live stream of the execution all my followers are psyched about? Well, it's not happening now. It's not happening. There were a lot of complaints about the Firing Squad live stream. I mean, something about human dignity. It's a whole new word they made up. I'm not familiar with it. Whatever. 08:31 Frankly, I'm disappointed. Me too. I was planning to sell a whole new meme coin in the commercial breaks between rounds. And now my Trump's execution night special merch will never see the light of day. So sad. Mr. President, sir. Mr. President. 08:46 Your new press secretary was like a total disaster and appears to have lied about her bar exam, which is so unexpected from a woman who made her name saying Democrats were pedophiles. Have you any comment? 08:56 Okay. Katie is fantastic, awkward, no eye contact, utterly charmless. It's like having Elon around again. And I have a replacement lined up anyway. Shane Gillis. You know Shane Gillis? He's terrific. We're trying very hard to appeal to the creepy guy demographic in the midterms. And he's finally disgraced himself enough to join the team. Okay. Last one. Last one. You. Shut up. You. Go ahead. I said zip it. Go ahead. 09:21 Go ahead. Sir, you told the U.S. Ambassador Grace Kimberly Guilfoyle to resign, sir. May I ask why? 09:27 Sure. She has a donor to give her $100,000 for nothing. So embarrassing. There's no room in my administration for anyone who isn't trying to pocket at least a million on their first attempt at grab. Look at Susie Wiles' daughter. She's involved in stories with all the buzzwords you'd expect from a team player. Pro-Russian strongman. Sanctions lifted mysteriously. Million-dollar contracts in Bosnia, where some of my favorite war crimes were committed. It's true. Bosnia. 09:55 Okay. 09:55 Thank you. Thank you. Shut up! 10:01 Now, calling Michal 08. 10:08 In terms of, I can't come to the phone right now, but do leave a message after the... 10:14 It's a kothish here. Just checking in on government while I'm on paternity leave. No one's been in touch, which is kind of strange. Now, my party wants to reward people who get up early in the morning, and I realised nobody gets up earlier than babies. I mean, it's three o'clock in the morning right now and the baby is as woke as a Trinity student who refers to themselves in the plural. What we need to do is to reward babies. And as with every scheme we devise in government, I've been trying to figure out how a private equity fund can benefit. So now that REITs have gone, how about a baby investment trust? I'm thinking some way of corporatising babysitting and poonamis with tax breaks for nits. 10:45 I'm also looking into privatising lullabies. I've never had so many good ideas delirious with sleep deprivation. Hit me up. 10:51 Hello Helen, just checking in on the hour as usual to remind you not to go into the Tawnish's office. That's mine. You're blocked. I don't need a stand-in. That's just for mat-leaf, not pat-leaf, which is far more important because it's for men. Never mind. Also, it's in the national interest that the second most powerful job in government is left vacant, even though there are, yes, strikes and we have the EU presidency and you will want to know why it's left vacant. Well, I can come up with some true sounding reasons by the time I get back. If you do get into my office by mistake, those colouring books are not mine, nor are the sick bags I left next to the Fiscal Advisory Council budget response. 11:28 Furthermore, I was watching an episode of Bluey earlier and I figured out a way for us to overturn the polling figures that show my popularity is hovering somewhere between shoe filling with puddle water and the plague. I say we call ourselves the Bluey shirts because everyone loves dogs and we already give plenty of money to the greyhounds. Let me know, by the way, how the strikes are going. I feel so useless sitting here at home when I could be out there with you being useless in government. I'll call you again in an hour. There's an episode of Puffin Rock coming on that I think could blow this public sector pay dispute right open. 11:57 Right open! 12:01 To the right of me on the streets of Dublin, an unemptied bin is overflowing and depressed seagulls are collecting tins of Sidona for the deposit return your stomach scheme. If it wasn't for the nurses, doctors, teachers and dentists picketing the pavement, it would be a normal day in the capital. But many public sector striking workers have flown under the radar this week. Their vital services often go unnoticed. And I'm here now with Colin, who's a member of SIP2, is that right? 12:30 That's right, Barry. I work here in a natural history museum and for one night only we will not be doing the work and I'm worried for the outcome. 12:38 Isn't the dead zoo closed at night? 12:40 It is, but we do the silent work of preventing any night of the museum hijinks from ensuing overnight. Right. It's a standard role in any museum really. It pays about £38,000 a year. What? And it mostly involves wrangling the giant elk skeleton when it comes to life and rampages through the halls here. 12:54 Fascinating. And your wife is also striking at the nearby National History Museum. Yes. 12:59 She is, and Una has her hands full with keeping the cloney Cavan Bogman from coming to life and going up the road and flirting in the horse show bar with divorcees, I can tell you. 13:06 Hang on, though. Isn't the dead as you close for refurbishment these days? 13:10 Well, that's what we had to tell people after the last time the giant squid got loose. God, the place was covered in more ink than the ledger where the government records all of the money it gives to horse racing. 13:17 Fascinating. Seamus is with us now. He's in the office of the delivery and completion of home section in the Department of Housing. What are you not doing today as a result of strike action? 13:28 I'd normally be at my desk right now, headphones in, enjoying a snooze. 13:32 This is an escalation of the work to rule, isn't that right? Yes, for the last fortnight there was a total stoppage of backside scratching. 13:38 Not even when it was suggested we double the pace of work to get finished early, did we as much as graze the stern with a cuticle, I can tell you. 13:44 That is how seriously our members are about not working in a department that doesn't work. It must be said essential work was still being carried out though. That's correct. The fellow who processes expenses and books in days off around bank holidays, he was at his desk. First thing, 11.30am, sharp-ish. 14:00 There you have it. It's been a difficult week for the public service, but a great chance for colleagues to talk, to share a sandwich, and discover that the woman in accounts they've been CCing on emails for 14 years is actually great crack when she's not rejecting their taxi receipt claims. . . . . . 14:45 ready to celebrate winning a pay deal by planning how to pull their next sickie. Brian Linehan, terrified of opening a tin of Sidona. RT News. 15:03 Hello. Welcome to the podcast again. All right, Faghan. 15:08 We've just had a new baby. 15:09 Congrats. 15:09 How are you doing? This is our fourth one now and probably our final, Joanne. Yeah. They're a bit like mansions. Four is plenty. Totally. 15:18 I mean, having to support four other people is a nightmare. 15:21 Pure person, agent, manager, not to mention sommelier. No way you use a sommelier. I do. Don't you like drink rubbish Prosecco? None 15:31 of us actually drink we just encourage our fans to so that they drunk shop online and buy my demented shiny bags that someone spent like eight seconds designing based on hypothermia blankets with people oh my god you're on the most popular show on telly right now what was the celebrity traders really like also why aren't you funny in it I blame the editing. You know, they'll happily show you if you misspell someone's name on the slate. But God forbid you draw like a certain appendage on the slate as a joke. 16:04 Oh yeah! It's a bit weird that James Blunt is accidentally the funniest person in there. I know. But how come everyone looks so bored and sad? 16:12 Who knew there was nothing but vapid misery from being famous? 16:16 Except for Geri Hall. She seems really happy with herself. And such a good judge of character. 16:22 Well... She did marry Rupert Murdoch now, so maybe not. 16:26 And he was at his most scrotum-like too. So now everyone sees you're not funny behind the scenes. You were deemed a perfect fit for appearing on Jimmy Fallon. Well done. Not going to lie, it's going to be a major challenge. 16:38 Not the Americans in the telly and all that, but haven't you engaged Jimmy Fallon in conversation for like two minutes? 16:44 Oh my God! He's like those dancing robots. Totally. entertaining at first until you realise there's nothing behind the eyes. Do you know, I wonder who I'm going to meet on the couch. Maybe Tom Cruise. God bless Tom. I mean, his Digger film was a flop. The message of the film doesn't make sense. No. We just don't understand the downside of being rich and powerful. Yeah, probably wasn't aimed at people like you, babe. Not aimed at anyone, judging by the box office returns. 17:11 Oh, Vogue, there she is. There's my guy. 17:19 Milky. Well, another boring week for the United Left latte pals. You must be joking. It was a national strike, a real thrill for the party of Jay Connolly. Labour and government were more like the party of Joe Malone and the fragrance was class treachery with undertones of sandalwood. How dare you, Mary Lou. I supported the workers by tooting my bicycle bell as I was cycling to Eamon Ryan's film premiere in Ronlaw. Sorry, they made a movie about him. What's it called? The Devil Wears Patagonia. Don't be so ungenial. The Greens are part of our cause. 17:50 Now, by the way, Holly isn't here for the chats this week. 17:52 So who is... Sorry if I'm late, guys. 17:54 Well, here comes the living embodiment of the United Leftovers. 17:58 What? Cian, don't mind her. Take a seat. We've ordered you a flat white. 18:01 Oh, thank you. 18:03 Yeah, but going by your shuddery lack of self-confidence as the Sock Dem substitute teacher, yours will be a cappuccino by the time we're done. 18:11 It's great to be here to articulate the party's official position on Sally Rooney. Go, Sally. 18:16 Fair play to her for telling the British they can't buy her books anymore. So maybe she'd already maxed out the available readers for horny students who can only stomach socialism when it's accompanied by the oiled up thighs of gar club footballers, no? 18:29 Well, I... So, how would we settle the civil servants' pay dispute if we were in government right now? 18:36 Sinn Féin would make like Leo in that Wolf of Wall Street meme and just palm out the cash. Now, I... 18:41 I think a reasonably responsible managed increase over a period of... Crop duster planes. What filled with fivers fly right over the heads of every one of those barely working, pensioned up lifers and shower the money down until they can't stand it, until they're voting for us, just to stop the locust-like swarms of lucre falling on their heads. 19:01 I think we need to be responsible given the Fiscal Advisory Council's warning on spending. Those fiscal bores are funded with taxpayers' money. 19:08 Bury them up to their necks in Shinner Coalition Government cash until we can't hear any of their warnings about overspending. 19:15 Anyway, that's what I would do. 19:16 Frankly, that would just repeat the mistakes of the past. Hear, hear. Have you seen election results, Savannah? 19:22 What? Voters in this country love the past. They just want the same shambles on repeat. Hello? No, I believe we can reboot and be agents for change. Really? 19:32 Exactly. Look how Clare Baron is all relaxed after shaking off the shackles of RTE for news talk. Come on. She messed up her hair a bit and was such a plank all these years. Even the tiniest change of lighting makes people think she's Charlie XCX now. 19:46 Fair. 19:46 We can just offer something different to relate to ordinary people. Don't forget she ran out of RT because to her, the minimum wage is a quarter of a million. 19:54 I should TikTok this. Everyone hates presenters. 19:57 Anyway, I must go. I'm late for a Ken Loach-themed women's event. All the men's dialogue has been replaced with Kate Bush singing. Well, that sounds manawful. Same. I have a date with a Ben Affleck Netflix thing. He's sad, miserable, has smouldery shoulders, and it's 30% on rotten tomatoes. Wow. 20:13 The perfect ending to a week of meh. Damn. This has turned into a cappuccino. 20:19 Oh, drash. 20:31 A very good evening to you. In a world filled with anxiety about plague, Russian diesel and Kelly Clarkson's feud with the Curiosity Shop, you can always rely on Dublin City Council to offer themselves as a piñata for Irish people's ire and choleric fury. Fresh from you turning on celebrating Christmas lights in January, this week they installed a big D on Grafton Street. This report from John Kilrain of our WTF staff. 21:00 The Dublin D monument appeared on a sunny afternoon when everything was pretty normal. Sad Dubliners were angrily waiting for buses that didn't arrive or shivering in terror at whatever 12-year-old walks by with an air of yup bro about their gate. Big D is exactly what this city has never been crying out for. but it has attracted plenty of tourists, though most of them are American men, filled with pochine and substandard pizza they're forced to queue for, thanks to Instagram mania. They've turned up to the D, confused, and demanding to see the double Ds. 21:35 Naturally, they've been redirected towards the Molly Malone, who continues to suffer on Suffolk Street. It's now feared similar installations of giant letters have been rolled out in other counties, as we hear from correspondents around the country. 21:51 In Cork City, the Cork Sea was set on fire an hour after its installation, wheeled down the Grand Parade and dumped into the River Lee by young langers as fellows standing outside bookies wearing Barry's tea-era Gansies shouted sea words at the sea whilst it careened by. Gordie approached those responsible and swiftly charged them, with being grand marshals at the city's next Patrick's Day parade while onlookers cheered and Corconians carried on with the business of the day, which is mainly shoplifting from local centres where the sea, in their signage, has been reinforced to prevent a repeat of the leaside proceedings. 22:41 Plastic sheeting in Cork with a C and now without one. 22:48 There was much consternation in Donegal out of force of habit when it became clear they were not going to get their own D in Letterkenny even if they didn't want a bit of it. However, there's a broad welcome for the D that was erected in the city of Derry in the early hours of Thursday. Ach, however, it was not a wet minute on the street when a clatter of fellas in bowler hats and sashes dragged up an even bigger L in front of the D. A standoff ensued and a meeting of the Capital Letters Commission set up under the Good Friday Agreement was hastily convened while the PS&A put up a cordon between the L and the D. 23:26 Mary Lou MacDonald nearly pulled a neck muscle trying to get here quickly after hearing about the chance of a court case. It's all part of Sinn Féin's new initiative to turn every minor slight into an excuse to behave like they're facing down tanks in Channamon Square. Instead, Mary Lou is shouting in the rain next to a superdrug. She's a crane in Derry City. 23:54 Must remember to breathe and not sound too sycophantic when I get through to his... 24:00 Hello, hey, yes, Mr Zuckerberg, sir, this is your number one fan, Simon Harris, the Thonished of Ireland. Thonished is an Irish word that means equally important, and Harris is an old Irish word that means panic-stricken. I mean picnic-stricken, yes. I can never remember if I like crumbed ham or the other kind. Anyway, I know you mightn't be au fait with the Irish language just yet. What does au fait mean? Is it like petty flu? Because I'm covered in that right now. It doesn't matter. What I'm saying is, the Irish language, if you don't like it, Mark, we can get rid of that. But I saw you online trying to drink Guinness in a podcast and gagging violently like I do when LinkedIn sends me a reminder that I still haven't filled in my third level education section. 24:36 Look, if you don't like Guinness, I'll get them to change the resume because I'm very important. Also, thank you for buying a home in Ireland. It really inspires young Irish people under 40 to get off their backsides and build their own business by simply crushing, copying or buying competitors, ignoring ethics and privacy laws and covering up the mishandling of data. Sorry, data. P.S. I sent you a friend request that you haven't replied to yet, and a poke. It was in 2011, to be fair. 25:02 Shh! 25:03 Pierce Tarty, it's Simon here. It's half two in the morning. I know it was you. The baby woke up wailing. Shh! And I have her down again, but just shut the front door, will you? You and your perma-outdoor voice shook the top floor. I know it was you. Can't you just zip that shinner cake hole of yours for five minutes, five minutes? Look, I know you grew up in Donegal and probably had to startle the fish by roaring about, I don't know, county finals and underinvestment in regional roads, but enough is enough. Lower your voice. Zip it. Block, block, block. Shh! 25:34 Ken O'Callaghan? Is this Ken O'Callaghan's voicemail? Listen, Cain, I really, really think you and I have gotten off on the wrong foot. We're both sweaty, quivering wrecks. There's no reason we can't just give each other a limp, wet handshake and be friends instead of those lame back and forths on the floor of the house. You should see the floor of my house right now. I've got to tell you, stepping with bare feet onto a Lego Ninjago covered in baby sick is just as painful as being hammered in an early election in November. Where was I? Let's make sure when I get back I can show you all my favourite places in Ledster House to have a good cry. 26:05 Talk to you later.